A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will be naked everywhere
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
