I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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