I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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