I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
