When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
MIDGETS
????
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
