I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
