The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
