Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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