Only a mothe r could love this liver
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
