You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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