He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
