yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
