atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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