just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
