Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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