note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
