on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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