Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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