Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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