I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
