my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
