Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Your dad touched me again.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
