I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
