Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
