Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Someone came in the potted fern
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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