Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
