ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
