drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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