Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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