Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize