the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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