you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
