I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
