i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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