the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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