So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have tasted many bathrooms
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
