I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
