Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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