my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
