I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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