i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
