Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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