oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
