Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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