If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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