I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize