even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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