Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
