this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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