I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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