you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
