I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
