from now on my penis is your penis
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
