What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
