So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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