Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
