I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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