look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
